January 2003 - ifip-tc6sublist - lists.rwth-aachen.de

Kein Betreff
by Otto Spaniol 09 Jan '03

09 Jan '03

Hello sublist, here come 3 lessons with attached moral. I'm pretty sure that some of you (in particular Kiril) will like that kind of moral. Best wishes Otto --------------------------------------------------------------------- Lesson Number 1 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson Number 2 A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, where he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Lesson Number 3 When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

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40 years later
by Otto Spaniol 06 Jan '03

06 Jan '03

Hello sublist, here is another story which was sent to me a few days ago. Best regards Otto ------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------- A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?" "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blonde woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

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Women and Football Grounds
by Otto Spaniol 06 Jan '03

06 Jan '03

Hello Sublist, the following was found by me a few days ago in a news paper of a country (it is a member of IFIP!) whose press is not particularly well known for "doubtful" contributions. Maybe the censorship didn't work perfectly in this case. Personally, I have to admit that I don't fully understand all of the 26 topics but at least some of them (Nr. 12 or 17 for example) seem to be "oh la la". Best wishes Otto ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMPARISON OF WOMEN O FOOTBALL GROUNDS 1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play. 2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald. 3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends. 4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner. 5. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities. 6. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standards but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground. 7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previously visited. 8. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner. 9. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings. 10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back. 11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles. 12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel. Conversely, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to the goal mouth and score. That can leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground. 13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies. 14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches. 15. From time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie. 16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy. 17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should. 18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes. 19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches. 20. Always be on the look out for football that host ladies football two evenings a week. 21. Pitches with waterloggeed end can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if you p... the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead. 22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being allowed to play on the turf. 23. Don't forget that if you see your hands in the area you may be penalised. 24. As the spot can be very indistinct on some pitches you may need to ask the pitch owner to help you locate it. It is a good idea to re- mark it in white each time you play. 25. If there is a strong wind you need to be careful which end you choose. 26. Use your subs wisely so that you have a hard man for the climax of the game.

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